


Pressing Matters

by HotTopic97



Series: Hellsing Drabbles [2]
Category: Hellsing
Genre: Crack Fic, Gen, I Don't Even Know, based on a hot-button issue XD, may or may not have been inspired by a Clone Wars fic, some OOC-ness sorry, the subject's different but I got massive inspiration for the debate, the topic was from YouTube
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-07
Updated: 2019-01-07
Packaged: 2019-09-18 12:54:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 796
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16995375
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HotTopic97/pseuds/HotTopic97
Summary: Alternate Title: "100% Insanity (That doesn't involve killing people)".





	Pressing Matters

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Little Black-and-Blue Dress](https://archiveofourown.org/works/3464942) by [citizenjess (givehimonemore)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/givehimonemore/pseuds/citizenjess). 



"Let me explain zis again", Pip began. "Me as a human being, not being surrounded by water, I am dry, right? But once water touches me--"

"Or your own blood", Alucard mumbled into his hands. Not that the mercenary cared to pay attention, prattling on about his inane logic. 

"--I'm zen considered wet. If I'm submerged underwater zough, I'm not wet. Once I get myself out of ze water, and expose myself to air, _now_ I'm considered wet, because I've come into contact with ze air. But if you're surrounded by water, you're not considered wet."

There was silence in the living room for a moment, which, honestly, felt a little strange to Pip. There wasn't any explanation behind it, but it almost felt... _nice._  

Though he knew he was going to receive more arguing against what he just clarified, given the dirty look Alucard was giving him, so he knew this pause of speechlessness wasn't going to last long. 

"So you say you're considered wet when you come up to the surface, correct?", the vampire asked. 

"Mm-hmm", the mercenary affirmed. 

Alucard brushed a strand of pitch-black hair away from his pale face. "So how does someone become wet in the first place?", he grumbled. "They had to become that way _somehow._ But by your ' _logic_ ', for lack of a better term, water, or any liquid for that matter, is  _dry_."

"I didn't say zat", said Pip. 

"Oh so what is it, then?", the vampire's voice had risen, along with his tall form. "Hm? What are you going to call it?"

Oh, Jesus Christ on high, he got him there. Pip hadn't really thought about that. 

"Erm...I wouldn't really call it wet _or_  dry", was his sheepish reply. 

"You're an idiot, mercenary", Alucard said flatly. "The only thing you have managed to prove me wrong at is just _how_  idiotic you are." 

"Oh, _I'm_  ze idiot?", was Pip's incredulous reply. "Zis is coming from ze one who hasn't come across a dictionary in the many years he's been on zis planet!"

Alucard made a noise of frustration. "I don't need to look through a book of words to know what's defined as  _wet_ ", he snarled. "I've known what it means without needing the use for centuries. You, on the other hand, could do some good looking through one yourself." 

"Ex _cuse_ me, but I  _did_ happen to look through one before I started talking to you!"

"Well then maybe you should go back to primary school and learn how to read."

"Maybe _you_ should piss off!"

" _Maybe_ _I should show you how your blood feels in texture when I blow your brains out and mop the floor with your face!_ "

As if on cue, there was the sound of a gunshot. The next thing he knew, he was flat on his back with Alucard on top of him, bleeding out on his clothes, as well as blood splattered all over his own face. He was too stunned to even try to move, but it was a good thing he didn't attempt to do so, as a flustered-looking Sir Hellsing came into the room to stand above them. 

"You both are going to clean every square inch of this room until it looks better than when you walked in", their boss said icily. "You are not to speak another measly word to each other, or you will find your manhoods shoved up your bodies. Do I make myself crystal clear?"

Automatically, Pip nodded his head frightfully, while the vampire on top of him slowly did the same.

"Get your arses up off the floor", Sir Hellsing commanded. Alucard got up off of Pip, giving him a look of disgust. Pip followed suit, as the head of the Hellsing family pulled out two old toothbrushes. 

"I will ask Walter for some rags to clean up the blood", she said. "Now get started. Maybe then you'll learn not to squabble like children raised in a barn." Her bespectacled sapphire orbs bore into Pip. "And when you finish, Mr. Bernadotte, I suggest you change your trousers." 

It was then that the mercenary realized with furious embarrassment that the front of his trousers, as well as his legs were warm and wet with his own urine. 

 _Water itself is not wet,_ he heard Alucard taunt him inside his head.  _Anyone and anything exposed to air is considered wet._

The mercenary was about to bite back with a retort, but Sir Hellsing beat him to it with a look that clearly said, "Don't. You. _Fucking._  Dare." So, with a sigh of defeat, he took one of the toothbrushes, the vampire servant following suit, and they took to opposite sides of the room, beginning what was to be a  _very_ lengthy task. 

**Author's Note:**

> I feel like if Alucard and Pip were given more screen time together, I think they'd probably be an odd pair of close good friends. Add Seras, they'd be one hell of a BrOT3. 
> 
> So what do think, guys? Is water wet? Better yet, is BLOOD wet? Let me know what you think! :D
> 
> Link to where I got the video from ---> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TPDdRrMVEnA


End file.
